As a teenager and throughout my twenties I struggled with anxiety and depression. I struggled with perfection always living life in black and white: it was all or nothing. I was a perpetual people pleaser and a rebel. I didn't have boundaries and was constantly searching to be loved and accepted.
As I think back to to those difficult and dark times I have come to realize that most of what I was feeling and carrying around wasn't mine. I was wearing the weight of the world, collecting emotions and experiences the way I collected shoes and make up. I felt things so much bigger than those around me, feeling the pain of my loved ones as if it were my own, feeling the entanglement of energies as I entered a room, and feeling the collective heaviness of life. I didn't know where my energy started and someone else ended. I didn't know that I could ground to the earth to settle my swirling and I didn't know that I could set a forcefield of protection around me to create an energetic boundary for peace.
Recently, while organizing my basement, I found a journal page from high school. Sharing this innermost pain from that time exposes that vulnerable little girl. I want others to know, you are not alone on this journey and we are all walking alongside each other. Some live their lives out loud and some behind facades.
Can I remember what it was like
not someone so interrupted and twisted by society
not someone who cant dream
not someone who is lost in sadness
can I remember what it was like
who was I
the real me
what did I want with life
what were my goals
the world has wrung me dry and
has set me out to fulfill my desires
But I have been striped and alluded
by the temptations
I am not me
I have no dreams or desires
I am empty
When we live our lives behind facades, this is to create a sense of control and safety. What I didn't know through out my suffering has now brought me great enlightenment. I know that those dark valleys that I walked were to help me recognize and understand the heavy energy. I now can see pain and suffering with my heart. I have learned that we all shift through our darkness when we are ready and that my job is to shine brightly as beacon of hope to others.
This heaviness, this sadness, these difficult emotions can be leaned into. They can be felt and we can move through them. Sit with the emptiness, the darkness, feel the layers that surround your void. Ask your body how you can love and support yourself through and allow yourself to be loved.
We can have hope. We are worthy of loving ourselves fully and completely. Our worth does not depend on what we do or who we please. We are enough just by showing up everyday, taking the next right step.
Please know that I am here, I understand, and if I don't fully I will still hold space for you.
You don't have to do this alone. Reach out.
Cheers to Wellness