Featured Writer, Kai'lah Hayes
Normal was always a peculiar thing for me. I wanted to be “normal” so bad but not only did I never feel like I fit in this world. I was raised to stand out. While most kids were playing hopscotch and riding bikes, I was in mandatory daily rehearsals in my divorced parents African dance troupe: Creative Impulse. Traveling to different cities for conferences , exhibits , festivals etc. Consistently on a stage from almost birth to adulthood.
The motto was always “The show must go on” no matter what. "I don't care if you feel like you are about to pass out, you finish the show then pass out later" and “ you never let 'em see you sweat”. I never knew that those same teachings would be the very thing I would have to deconstruct later in life. That strength mentality came from my mother. The strongest woman I will ever know. The same type of strength that was instilled in me, which was fine until she got sick.
12 surgeries back to back, 8 feet of intestines gone, mobility gone, lawsuits and 1 flat line on the medical screen. Next thing I knew I was getting state certified to change colostomy bags, catheters and feedings all while trying to complete fourth grade homework. Those were some really rough years for us. So many times I watched her cry herself to sleep because she held everything in, its all she knew. I would pray on my knees every night begging God to please just let me have my mother longer.
Those hard years I believe were the blueprint for my future. Taking care of her, then taking care of my grandmother full time till her last days. All I knew was how to take care of people. I never really learned how to take care of myself and even if I tried it contradicted the “ you suck it up and get through it” mindset.
What does someone who constantly takes care of others create?? More people and things to take care of, which led me to a dangerously abusive relationship. After waking up from flat lining in surgery. something clicked. I saw my funeral and everyone in it. I knew something had to change and it was me.
That led me to wanting better for myself and my children. I was in a true state of momentum: wanting more, doing more, being more than just a caretaker.
I got the nerve to step out and start a company based on my life experiences, got it going good and then my mother had to go. I was 4 hours away in a different state, doing an arts competition that she pushed me to do...
No goodbye, no nothing. Life shattered. All over again.
To know that I “knew” beforehand with the constant butterflies we saw when we were together. I brainwashed myself to believe they were for my transformation but they were also for her departure. Her transition has been the foundation for my healing journey. She has pushed me every step into learning how to heal myself even though she never learned how to do it for herself. She pushed me to Reiki, chakra healing, Akashic records, Kundalini, Enlightenment.
Now all I can think about is healing, healing my 8 year old self, my 10 year old self, my 20 year old self. Healing HER at all costs so that my children can know a different choice in life: you get to choose everything and I choose to continue my journey for as long as possible. To be a light for as many people as I can in many ways as possible because you can’t shine without ever knowing the dark. I'll keep honing my crafts for light.
Now I know “normal” was never meant for me. My mothers strength was her own and this will be mine.
Kai'lah Hayes is a mother of 3, a certified Reiki Practitioner, Domestic Violence Advocate and Motivational Speaker, running her own online business in Toledo Ohio called Pushthroughqueen "Sometimes you just need a reminder of how powerful you are"
Email: pushthroughq@gmail.com
Ig:@pushthroughqueen_official Fb:pushthroughqueen
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